House Husbands Unite

As a House Husband, I must comment on the job . Unless you live in a roommate situation,like college or bachelorhood, it appears nothing you ever accomplish is correct in the eyes and mind of your spouse. On paper, the job seems simple enough, with mundane tasks of cleaning, cooking, shopping, paying and mailing bills and the impossible chore – doing the wash.

Let's start with the wash. It seems that wash and wear does not apply to women’s clothing. Delicates must be treated like an endangered species – without proper treatment they will be become extinct. Shopping for new items will soon ensue. Based on experience, bras never, and I mean never, get put in the dryer, and other undergarment articles are unable to stand being in there for too long either (seems the radiation is just to much for them).

Women’s “Wash and Wear” is a different matter altogether. You stand sentry over the dryer and snatch the offended items of clothing before they wilt to an unmanageable mess. I can only imagine what rules of behavior ironing would bring.
Heaven help the man who hasn't a clue to what detergents, fabric softeners, presoaks and dryer sheets to use. Personally, I have given up all hope of trying to perform this task.

Cleaning the house presents its own unique challenge. The Do's: wash the dishes; vacuum; dust; make the beds; clean the tile floors; and swab out the bathrooms, including sinks, tubs and showers.

The Don'ts: excessively run the water or use too much detergent while doing dishes. In addition, what ever you do, forget about air drying (they must appear back in their respective “homes,” pronto).
Cooking is an area where a man can excell,as long as he is outdoors burning food on the grill while learning to singe the hair from his arms, eyebrows and nostrils.

When running the vacuum, you are instructed the hose “thingy” works just like the big “thingy” with wheels. Do not be afraid of unhooking it from the holster to clean along wall edges and in the furniture.

Dusting can never be done to a woman’s satisfaction. You dust the tops of all the wood furniture, and she will point out the edges of the drawers and legs also need dusting. Once you've mastered this activity, she will ask, “why didn't you dust the baseboards, and the tops of door sills have an edge on them?”

If that isn't enough for you to call the committee man, than she will politely explain the plastic flowers are as dusty as a country road. I think plastic flowers should come under the “doing the wash” heading!

Bathroom maintenance takes a college degree in sanitation. The bachelor days of swishing the toilet with a brush once a month are over. You start with dumping a couple dozen toxic, fume-emitting chemicals in every orifice in sight. Then, commence the process of scrubbing, rubbing and rinsing all surfaces until they gleam and smell strangely like a hospital.

The making of the beds process is just never quite to her satisfaction. This is evident when she arrives for inspection. Women always tend to tug and straighten one of our faux pas.

Paying and mailing of the bills manage to create dilemmas of their own. After all the housework is finished, how can a man think straight? The best advice is to stay far, far away from checkbooks, envelopes, stamps and most of all, the dreaded 3-inch calculator, which your fingers are unable work anyway.

Good luck, you are on your own!